Saturday, December 26, 2009

Whew! Made it through the holidays...but not unscathed. My baby sister didn't pass on the message to my mother to give us a call before dinner, or after. Ergo, my mother did not get to talk to AJ on Xmas to thank her for the gift she sent. With the crazy of Xmas dinner prep, I lost track of time, and so the day slipped away from me. I am screwed. There isn't a way to make up for it.
On the other side of that, there is a part of me that needed to protect my son. He was upset to receive a gift after so many years of nothing. He's been aware for quite some time now that his grandparents won't ever be close to him. At least the ones on my side. He felt uncomfortable with the gift, and rightfully so. He railed that he can't be expected to have a heartfelt conversation with someone who has, for all intents and purposes, ignored him for many years. I can't argue with him on that point. I just can't. Therefore, I couldn't force him to do it. But I wished soooooo hard that he would, just so things would go easier on me. Shame on me for that. I still find my adult self unable to reconcile with my inner child. I want my parents to love me, and my son, to be there for us. It just isn't going to happen.
Enough of that. No more downer stuff...
We schlepped AJ to the airport this morning. He argued with me the whole way about how a Holiday Inn Express is just as fancy as, say, the El Dorado Casino & Resort. He refused to even entertain the thought that he was wrong. Damn teenager! I've noticed that he's getting a bit churlish with me, especially when we talk about our move to Arizona. He's under a lot of pressure to graduate on time, and he thinks about us moving away from him, and it's too much to bear. His bouts with sulleness don't last long, just enough to engage me before I realize it. damn teenager and how I love him.
Hey...have I mentioned this new, annoying habit of mine??? When we watch movies at home, I have to look up the movie on IMDB website and get the scoop on who's in it, what the synopsis is, etc. Then I proceed to ruin the movie for Casey by blabbering about the plot and trivia and stuff. This unsavory habit began during my mental breakdown this summer. When I was severely depressed, I had to stay focused on the TV relentlessly. It kept me bi-polar brain lulled so that I could function some-what. I got to where I had to know every single detail about a show or movie. I packed so much trivia in my brain that I can't bear to watch a repeat of anything.
How droll.
I am such a bore today. Gotta let the dogs in.
See you tomorrow when I update my shenanigans. BTW...why did I give my blog link to everyone? Now I can't write freely.

1 comment:

  1. I find it quite challenging as well trying to write freely knowing my thoughts are out in internet space for everyone to read. However, in a way the processes of thinking through my thoughts (somewhat) before posting can be helpful.