What a morning! I started my day at 5am, and hit the ground running. Put away laundry, pick up the house, feed and water the animals; and the plants. I put together a homemade beef soup using our prime rib left overs, cabbage, potatoes, onion, yellow squash, with beef stock. Smells amazing, lets hope my cooking instincts are on target! I winged it with what I had in the fridge.
I was admiring the "Half-Their-Size" segment on the Today show, thinking hard about my own ballooning weight, when I noticed the house plant behind the couch shaking. "What the hell?" I thought as I leaned over to see which critter was responsible. It was Sharkie, digging in the plant with her snout, trying to bury her bone. WTF? No wonder the plant is dying! She had two other bones buried in it! She is soooooooo sneaky. She packs the dirt down with her big bazoobie nose so nobody catches on to what she's up to. Crazy damn dog.
Still manic today, still recovering from my episode yesterday. I don' remember all of it. That's how it is when true mania hits. Black out time. It was interesting reading my post from yesterday. Blogging is great for back tracking lost time.
I shall keep it up.
Did I mention I put Rabbit on a diet? More later. Off to transplant before the day gets away from me.
Love and hugs.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
A bad Bi-polar day...
You might not know this about bi-polar people that are primarily manic. We have gradiose thoughts that ping through our brains at a truly alarming rate. No time to process the order properly, I just run with what I get. Sometimes those thought just don't make a hell of a lot sense to my immediate family and friends that I visit frequently. I'm what they call "eccentric." Not a bad word to be called. In my condition, I find it to be charming. For others it's exhausting and annoying.
The Prozac in the new Symbyax I take tends to trigger mania when I am faced with many tasks at once. I have lost my flair for organization; have no more will left to write happy cards and letters to people who can't or won't communicate back with me. My family thinks everything is better with the new meds...and it is...except I'm missing a part. That damn unattainable Abilify. They don't participate in any low or no cost drug program and their $20 clams per pill!!!!So only those bi-polar people with health insurance and/or money can afford it. What a set back to be so close to being "normal."
I'm on the outs with my hubby because I took down the ugly curtains without permission. Then AJ threw in the towel and doesn't was to help get ready for his party. I guess we won't be having one then. He will be another teen driving statistic. I will pray for his survival that night. Things have been tough the past two days butting heads with my boys. I'm not sure if I'm coherent and reasonable, or a tad manic and unreasonable. Must be the latter if me boys are offering no support.
The Prozac in the new Symbyax I take tends to trigger mania when I am faced with many tasks at once. I have lost my flair for organization; have no more will left to write happy cards and letters to people who can't or won't communicate back with me. My family thinks everything is better with the new meds...and it is...except I'm missing a part. That damn unattainable Abilify. They don't participate in any low or no cost drug program and their $20 clams per pill!!!!So only those bi-polar people with health insurance and/or money can afford it. What a set back to be so close to being "normal."
I'm on the outs with my hubby because I took down the ugly curtains without permission. Then AJ threw in the towel and doesn't was to help get ready for his party. I guess we won't be having one then. He will be another teen driving statistic. I will pray for his survival that night. Things have been tough the past two days butting heads with my boys. I'm not sure if I'm coherent and reasonable, or a tad manic and unreasonable. Must be the latter if me boys are offering no support.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday Blues
It's Sunday...we couldn't afford a day of rest, not with my new aversion to everything Xmas. I had to un-decorate the house asap today. I have to give props to Susan...who famously said five years ago, "One holiday spent with family can un-do years of therapy." I insisted to my son and daughter that they must spend the day with Casey and I; and they obliged me. Much to my dismay, it was not the happy day I thought it would be. I say that tongue firmly in cheek. I partook in some herbs for which to relax, and find myself with much to say; however I now lack the dexterity needed to compose witty passages for our amusement. Pookie scraped off every key necessart to type with my usual fervor. I backspace to delete far more characters than make it to my post. Peace out and thank goodness for GDP. I shall sleep easy.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Whew! Made it through the holidays...but not unscathed. My baby sister didn't pass on the message to my mother to give us a call before dinner, or after. Ergo, my mother did not get to talk to AJ on Xmas to thank her for the gift she sent. With the crazy of Xmas dinner prep, I lost track of time, and so the day slipped away from me. I am screwed. There isn't a way to make up for it.
On the other side of that, there is a part of me that needed to protect my son. He was upset to receive a gift after so many years of nothing. He's been aware for quite some time now that his grandparents won't ever be close to him. At least the ones on my side. He felt uncomfortable with the gift, and rightfully so. He railed that he can't be expected to have a heartfelt conversation with someone who has, for all intents and purposes, ignored him for many years. I can't argue with him on that point. I just can't. Therefore, I couldn't force him to do it. But I wished soooooo hard that he would, just so things would go easier on me. Shame on me for that. I still find my adult self unable to reconcile with my inner child. I want my parents to love me, and my son, to be there for us. It just isn't going to happen.
Enough of that. No more downer stuff...
We schlepped AJ to the airport this morning. He argued with me the whole way about how a Holiday Inn Express is just as fancy as, say, the El Dorado Casino & Resort. He refused to even entertain the thought that he was wrong. Damn teenager! I've noticed that he's getting a bit churlish with me, especially when we talk about our move to Arizona. He's under a lot of pressure to graduate on time, and he thinks about us moving away from him, and it's too much to bear. His bouts with sulleness don't last long, just enough to engage me before I realize it. damn teenager and how I love him.
Hey...have I mentioned this new, annoying habit of mine??? When we watch movies at home, I have to look up the movie on IMDB website and get the scoop on who's in it, what the synopsis is, etc. Then I proceed to ruin the movie for Casey by blabbering about the plot and trivia and stuff. This unsavory habit began during my mental breakdown this summer. When I was severely depressed, I had to stay focused on the TV relentlessly. It kept me bi-polar brain lulled so that I could function some-what. I got to where I had to know every single detail about a show or movie. I packed so much trivia in my brain that I can't bear to watch a repeat of anything.
How droll.
I am such a bore today. Gotta let the dogs in.
See you tomorrow when I update my shenanigans. BTW...why did I give my blog link to everyone? Now I can't write freely.
Damn.
On the other side of that, there is a part of me that needed to protect my son. He was upset to receive a gift after so many years of nothing. He's been aware for quite some time now that his grandparents won't ever be close to him. At least the ones on my side. He felt uncomfortable with the gift, and rightfully so. He railed that he can't be expected to have a heartfelt conversation with someone who has, for all intents and purposes, ignored him for many years. I can't argue with him on that point. I just can't. Therefore, I couldn't force him to do it. But I wished soooooo hard that he would, just so things would go easier on me. Shame on me for that. I still find my adult self unable to reconcile with my inner child. I want my parents to love me, and my son, to be there for us. It just isn't going to happen.
Enough of that. No more downer stuff...
We schlepped AJ to the airport this morning. He argued with me the whole way about how a Holiday Inn Express is just as fancy as, say, the El Dorado Casino & Resort. He refused to even entertain the thought that he was wrong. Damn teenager! I've noticed that he's getting a bit churlish with me, especially when we talk about our move to Arizona. He's under a lot of pressure to graduate on time, and he thinks about us moving away from him, and it's too much to bear. His bouts with sulleness don't last long, just enough to engage me before I realize it. damn teenager and how I love him.
Hey...have I mentioned this new, annoying habit of mine??? When we watch movies at home, I have to look up the movie on IMDB website and get the scoop on who's in it, what the synopsis is, etc. Then I proceed to ruin the movie for Casey by blabbering about the plot and trivia and stuff. This unsavory habit began during my mental breakdown this summer. When I was severely depressed, I had to stay focused on the TV relentlessly. It kept me bi-polar brain lulled so that I could function some-what. I got to where I had to know every single detail about a show or movie. I packed so much trivia in my brain that I can't bear to watch a repeat of anything.
How droll.
I am such a bore today. Gotta let the dogs in.
See you tomorrow when I update my shenanigans. BTW...why did I give my blog link to everyone? Now I can't write freely.
Damn.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Wow...woke up this morning to Brittany Murphy being dead at the age of 32. Drugs, dieting, married to an enabler. Sound familiar??? Take a peek into most of our lives and there is a least a scoosh of a reflection of her there. Rest in peace Brittany. Your death touched my heart.
Just got a little money, so we did our Xmas shopping. I haven't been this rushed in years, and we were only buying for the little ones. I think we paid more for shipping than for the gifts themselves. As long as they are happy. I don't think the little ones care so much as we do about the impression of caring with a gift. They would be happy with a hug.
The holidays are bringing with them a stress and nervousness that I've been impervious to in the past. Family brings out the manic in me. My therapist says that just one holiday can un-do a years worth of therapy. She ain't kiddin. It's the God's honest truth, that. I love them all, but wearing the black sheep mantle gets a bit thin after a few decades. Can you smellllllll what the Rock is Cookin'!!!!!!?????
My linguica with pinto beans is done...my hubby no where to be found. He's out on calls, taking care of the fam. I'm missing him to pieces right about now. I got the Xmas mess cleaned up in the living room. I had wrapping paper wall-to-wall, and lost the tape and scissors too many times to count. Seriously, I threw my hands up many a time today wondering how the hell I lost the damn tape when I just used it two seconds ago. Damn Xmas. Dennis at UPS was one hell of a customer service pro. Got my packages out with minimum amount of drama, they will be delivered before Xmas Eve. Yay UPS!!!
My Bailey's and ice is melting, as fast as my attention span. I'm torn between writing and listening to Tiger's most recent whore get her 15 minutes of fame. I'm famished, so eating trumps all distractions.
Hope today was peaceful for you...
With love,
Cindy
Just got a little money, so we did our Xmas shopping. I haven't been this rushed in years, and we were only buying for the little ones. I think we paid more for shipping than for the gifts themselves. As long as they are happy. I don't think the little ones care so much as we do about the impression of caring with a gift. They would be happy with a hug.
The holidays are bringing with them a stress and nervousness that I've been impervious to in the past. Family brings out the manic in me. My therapist says that just one holiday can un-do a years worth of therapy. She ain't kiddin. It's the God's honest truth, that. I love them all, but wearing the black sheep mantle gets a bit thin after a few decades. Can you smellllllll what the Rock is Cookin'!!!!!!?????
My linguica with pinto beans is done...my hubby no where to be found. He's out on calls, taking care of the fam. I'm missing him to pieces right about now. I got the Xmas mess cleaned up in the living room. I had wrapping paper wall-to-wall, and lost the tape and scissors too many times to count. Seriously, I threw my hands up many a time today wondering how the hell I lost the damn tape when I just used it two seconds ago. Damn Xmas. Dennis at UPS was one hell of a customer service pro. Got my packages out with minimum amount of drama, they will be delivered before Xmas Eve. Yay UPS!!!
My Bailey's and ice is melting, as fast as my attention span. I'm torn between writing and listening to Tiger's most recent whore get her 15 minutes of fame. I'm famished, so eating trumps all distractions.
Hope today was peaceful for you...
With love,
Cindy
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Serenity
Righ now, in this moment when I'm dusting the knicknacks, and organizing the office, I can't help but feel how fortunate I am to have a husband like Casey. Truly, he is without a doubt, the most important person in my life next to my son. Right next to my son, really. They are loved by me equally. We are forever in our debt to Mom & John, who lovingly kept our family intact with their gracious, and selfless support. We'll be looking at the same sunrise by this time next year, and that makes me excited. That there is change in the future brings the joy of adventure out in me. As long as I'm with Casey, life will be good. He is the standard by which all others are measured. I love him fiercely. Just had to get these thoughts out. Back to filing and organizing. Hope today was happy.
The Cat Lady of Cypress Hill
Yes, I'm the cat lady. Only 42 years old, and I have all of the cat owning propensities of a 72 year old widowed woman. I own three cats, Manzo Dido, Figgy, and Pookie. I've adopted a cat I call "Pansy Puss." She lives somewhere around Cypress Hill, but I'm not sure where. She's at the front door at 5:30am demanding food. You can't fill the bowl half way either. She gets very upset, and cries if there isn't a mound of dry food.
AJ tells me not to feed her, but how can I not??? Clearly, she's an outdoor cat, who needs to stay warm by eating lots of food. I don't feel I have a choice. Plus, I love cats. I can't bear to see one suffer, or hear them cry. And so it goes, I'm going through a five pound bag of chow every week. Oh my.
The dogs, on the other hand, detest their dry food. Trinity would rather eat a piece of lettuce than her dog chow. I felt bad for cutting off their canned food, but the current economic climate demands cut backs. Poor puppies....I don't see them eat much, but there is no noticable weight loss, so they must be doing fine. Ahhhh, the animals.
I'm having a good day today. No drama, no problems, no anxiety. The meds are working pretty good. I shower everyday, take care of the house, animals, the garden, and my boys. Gotta keep that AJ on task with school!!! Casey and I got to have lunch together, which was great. I miss my favorite person when we're apart. He's engrossed in The History Channel right now, a show about how the hell the US isn't able to find Osama. Very frustrating to listen to.
How about a little poem???? I'm feeling it right now. Here goes:
The storm lashes outside,
gnashing its teeth in fury,
shaking sturdy trees
as if they were saplings.
Parched autumn leaves
have not a chance,
and rain down upon
the dry grass,
twisting in a macabre dance,
their death complete.
AJ tells me not to feed her, but how can I not??? Clearly, she's an outdoor cat, who needs to stay warm by eating lots of food. I don't feel I have a choice. Plus, I love cats. I can't bear to see one suffer, or hear them cry. And so it goes, I'm going through a five pound bag of chow every week. Oh my.
The dogs, on the other hand, detest their dry food. Trinity would rather eat a piece of lettuce than her dog chow. I felt bad for cutting off their canned food, but the current economic climate demands cut backs. Poor puppies....I don't see them eat much, but there is no noticable weight loss, so they must be doing fine. Ahhhh, the animals.
I'm having a good day today. No drama, no problems, no anxiety. The meds are working pretty good. I shower everyday, take care of the house, animals, the garden, and my boys. Gotta keep that AJ on task with school!!! Casey and I got to have lunch together, which was great. I miss my favorite person when we're apart. He's engrossed in The History Channel right now, a show about how the hell the US isn't able to find Osama. Very frustrating to listen to.
How about a little poem???? I'm feeling it right now. Here goes:
The storm lashes outside,
gnashing its teeth in fury,
shaking sturdy trees
as if they were saplings.
Parched autumn leaves
have not a chance,
and rain down upon
the dry grass,
twisting in a macabre dance,
their death complete.
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